Is it Time to Make Up or Break Up?
What to do when fear makes you question your equine partnership
By April Clay, Registered Psychologist
If you have been riding for some time, chances are you have come across a mount that challenged you. Scared you. Forced you to face that very difficult question: is this the wrong horse for me or is it just me?
Psychologically it is not a pleasant space, and many do not know how to navigate the question, or even wish to own up to having it in the first place. But there are some guiding questions available to you to help you in your decision-making.
What type of fear are you dealing with? Here you can distinguish from a few common reasons for fear. Being clear about the cause of your anxiety will assist you in determining your course. Did you suffer a trauma like a riding accident that left you physically harmed? If so be aware that traumas are very different from generalized fear and can take some time to resolve. A traumatic fall literally leaves an imprint on your brain. If you are still riding the same horse, the resulting association of being unsafe with this mount is going to be hard work to overcome. You will need to re-learn to be comfortable and for some riders this task is simply too daunting.
Other riders have not had a bad fall, but suffer from a pervasive feeling of being unsafe. They ride day after day white knuckling their way through the experience, hoping one day it will change. Many riders find that as they grow older, this generalized sense of unease in the saddle begins to develop.
Debra, aged 36 recalls, “It began to happen after I had my kids. Suddenly I seemed more aware of getting hurt if I fell off and what that would mean. I began to ride quite defensively, which my horse did not like and he acted out.”
It’s important to remember that as we age, our awareness of safety naturally does change. You know what it means to become injured, healing takes longer and you may not be able to meet work or parenting responsibilities. Ignoring these thoughts will only serve to drive you in deeper, making you feel shameful. For some, it means acknowledging the fear and taking steps to deal with it. Debra made such efforts and is now enjoying her riding once more. “I had to learn to focus on what I wanted to happen rather than what could happen. I had to convince myself, and I did, that this was the best way to feel comfortable. My horse started to act like his old self again”
Get the right people on board. Realize that you are not going to do this alone; rather you need to assemble a team of experts. After all, you want to feel good about this decision. The goal is to get to a sense of peace. You will need a coach or horse professional you trust. Someone to help you evaluate both your physical skill and offer an assessment of your horse’s current state. It also doesn’t hurt to have a temporary alternative ride if you can swing it. Experiencing yourself on another horse with a different disposition can help you understand what role you are playing in your primary horse relationship. It is often also a confidence booster, as you get the opportunity to focus on your ride and skills instead of just survival.
You will want to know how your fear is impacting your ride. A competent coach can help with this task. This is important as it may be you are exacerbating ongoing safety issues by blanking or inappropriately applying aids. Some anxiety can be alleviated with quality instruction.
If the rider can learn new strategies and the fear begins to dissipate, and the horse has no behavioral concerns, then the outlook is promising. At times however the fear is either too strongly associated with the one horse and does not show improvement or it is determined the horse is continually triggering the rider (or is not responding to training in correction of behavioral issues). In this case, a break up may be the best course of action. Sometimes, as it is with our human relationships, there are just to many factors blocking the development of a healthy partnership.
Get rid of the shame. If you look at other pairs sports like figure skating or tennis when the chemistry is not right, a direct approach is taken. What can be done to improve the working relationship? If the resulting plan yields little improvement, often a re-match is the answer.
But riders have complex and sometimes very emotional connections to their mounts. It can be hard to admit to yourself you have a problem in your relationship. Kate, a dressage rider, expresses feelings many riders can relate to:
“I did not want to 'break up' with him, initially because it made me feel like I failed, I grew up in a household where you either did it correct, or you failed, so by not being able to ride the horse made me feel like a complete failure. Then the anger set in when another person could ride him better, I was not mad her personally but the situation made me upset.”
A win/lose approach to this type of situation doesn't have a favorable outcome. If you continue to force yourself to ride a horse that makes you feel unsafe the fear often grows. A ride that is focused on avoiding accidents is not an effective ride and certainly does not breed confidence. This loss of belief has some riders quitting altogether instead of examining other alternatives.
So perspective is an important consideration. Seeking out help professionally from a sport psychologist or finding riders to share with are the two most effective shame busters. For Laura, her decision to break up with her mount and find a more suitable relationship was boosted by discussion with other riders and direction in a mental skills clinic. It was bitter sweet, but truly a new beginning for her riding enjoyment and performance:
“I felt relief, relief that I was understood, but also true grief. I was -and still am-so very sad. l loved that horse for 8 years and had much success in the earlier years.”
Get a plan together. At the end of the day it is important the rider goes through a process that is carefully thought through so that either way he or she is at peace with the outcome. Examining your fear, assembling your team and getting clarity about your equine partner are all elements you want to implement into a plan.
If, at the end of that process you find more negatives than positives about your current situation a new partner may be in order. Remember that your equine relationship, just like your human relationships, should feel secure and have the opportunity for growth. There are times when we have to say goodbye to people who are not a right fit, or are hurting or holding us back in some way. Maybe they are just not the right person for us at that time. It is no different with horses.
Whatever your outcome, be sure to also look for how it leads you in the direction of becoming a better rider, and better person. Laura has moved on to other rides and has a renewed sense of her competence. But she has also learned what might have kept her stuck for so long:
“I have learned I am very quick to put myself down, I'm working on that. That I continue to try longer than logic would dictate. I liked to think I was loyal but really, sometimes I just don't know when to quit. On the plus side, I'm brave enough to face challenges and make changes and that feels darn good.”
Try the Riding out of Fear Course today! Go to www.outofyourmindcourses.com for more information
© April Clay, 2014, Originally published in Canadian Horse Journal, November 2014
What to do when fear makes you question your equine partnership
By April Clay, Registered Psychologist
If you have been riding for some time, chances are you have come across a mount that challenged you. Scared you. Forced you to face that very difficult question: is this the wrong horse for me or is it just me?
Psychologically it is not a pleasant space, and many do not know how to navigate the question, or even wish to own up to having it in the first place. But there are some guiding questions available to you to help you in your decision-making.
What type of fear are you dealing with? Here you can distinguish from a few common reasons for fear. Being clear about the cause of your anxiety will assist you in determining your course. Did you suffer a trauma like a riding accident that left you physically harmed? If so be aware that traumas are very different from generalized fear and can take some time to resolve. A traumatic fall literally leaves an imprint on your brain. If you are still riding the same horse, the resulting association of being unsafe with this mount is going to be hard work to overcome. You will need to re-learn to be comfortable and for some riders this task is simply too daunting.
Other riders have not had a bad fall, but suffer from a pervasive feeling of being unsafe. They ride day after day white knuckling their way through the experience, hoping one day it will change. Many riders find that as they grow older, this generalized sense of unease in the saddle begins to develop.
Debra, aged 36 recalls, “It began to happen after I had my kids. Suddenly I seemed more aware of getting hurt if I fell off and what that would mean. I began to ride quite defensively, which my horse did not like and he acted out.”
It’s important to remember that as we age, our awareness of safety naturally does change. You know what it means to become injured, healing takes longer and you may not be able to meet work or parenting responsibilities. Ignoring these thoughts will only serve to drive you in deeper, making you feel shameful. For some, it means acknowledging the fear and taking steps to deal with it. Debra made such efforts and is now enjoying her riding once more. “I had to learn to focus on what I wanted to happen rather than what could happen. I had to convince myself, and I did, that this was the best way to feel comfortable. My horse started to act like his old self again”
Get the right people on board. Realize that you are not going to do this alone; rather you need to assemble a team of experts. After all, you want to feel good about this decision. The goal is to get to a sense of peace. You will need a coach or horse professional you trust. Someone to help you evaluate both your physical skill and offer an assessment of your horse’s current state. It also doesn’t hurt to have a temporary alternative ride if you can swing it. Experiencing yourself on another horse with a different disposition can help you understand what role you are playing in your primary horse relationship. It is often also a confidence booster, as you get the opportunity to focus on your ride and skills instead of just survival.
You will want to know how your fear is impacting your ride. A competent coach can help with this task. This is important as it may be you are exacerbating ongoing safety issues by blanking or inappropriately applying aids. Some anxiety can be alleviated with quality instruction.
If the rider can learn new strategies and the fear begins to dissipate, and the horse has no behavioral concerns, then the outlook is promising. At times however the fear is either too strongly associated with the one horse and does not show improvement or it is determined the horse is continually triggering the rider (or is not responding to training in correction of behavioral issues). In this case, a break up may be the best course of action. Sometimes, as it is with our human relationships, there are just to many factors blocking the development of a healthy partnership.
Get rid of the shame. If you look at other pairs sports like figure skating or tennis when the chemistry is not right, a direct approach is taken. What can be done to improve the working relationship? If the resulting plan yields little improvement, often a re-match is the answer.
But riders have complex and sometimes very emotional connections to their mounts. It can be hard to admit to yourself you have a problem in your relationship. Kate, a dressage rider, expresses feelings many riders can relate to:
“I did not want to 'break up' with him, initially because it made me feel like I failed, I grew up in a household where you either did it correct, or you failed, so by not being able to ride the horse made me feel like a complete failure. Then the anger set in when another person could ride him better, I was not mad her personally but the situation made me upset.”
A win/lose approach to this type of situation doesn't have a favorable outcome. If you continue to force yourself to ride a horse that makes you feel unsafe the fear often grows. A ride that is focused on avoiding accidents is not an effective ride and certainly does not breed confidence. This loss of belief has some riders quitting altogether instead of examining other alternatives.
So perspective is an important consideration. Seeking out help professionally from a sport psychologist or finding riders to share with are the two most effective shame busters. For Laura, her decision to break up with her mount and find a more suitable relationship was boosted by discussion with other riders and direction in a mental skills clinic. It was bitter sweet, but truly a new beginning for her riding enjoyment and performance:
“I felt relief, relief that I was understood, but also true grief. I was -and still am-so very sad. l loved that horse for 8 years and had much success in the earlier years.”
Get a plan together. At the end of the day it is important the rider goes through a process that is carefully thought through so that either way he or she is at peace with the outcome. Examining your fear, assembling your team and getting clarity about your equine partner are all elements you want to implement into a plan.
If, at the end of that process you find more negatives than positives about your current situation a new partner may be in order. Remember that your equine relationship, just like your human relationships, should feel secure and have the opportunity for growth. There are times when we have to say goodbye to people who are not a right fit, or are hurting or holding us back in some way. Maybe they are just not the right person for us at that time. It is no different with horses.
Whatever your outcome, be sure to also look for how it leads you in the direction of becoming a better rider, and better person. Laura has moved on to other rides and has a renewed sense of her competence. But she has also learned what might have kept her stuck for so long:
“I have learned I am very quick to put myself down, I'm working on that. That I continue to try longer than logic would dictate. I liked to think I was loyal but really, sometimes I just don't know when to quit. On the plus side, I'm brave enough to face challenges and make changes and that feels darn good.”
Try the Riding out of Fear Course today! Go to www.outofyourmindcourses.com for more information
© April Clay, 2014, Originally published in Canadian Horse Journal, November 2014
